Better! We’re working it out, so that’s good, but we have over a decade of things to go through, plus working on ourselves as individuals. It’s exhausting.

My partner was the one to pull the divorce card, actually with no warning whatsoever. It’s so appropriate for a relationship that turned out to be significantly defined by poor communication.

In retrospect, the critical signs were pretty obvious, but we both mistook them for other things. We had become very emotionally disconnected, but we were preparing for a huge move out of the country with a small pack of house pets so each of us thought that’s why the other was stressed. This actually was true for me while my partner was stressed because they wanted to run screaming but didn’t feel comfortable saying anything.

We had both been withholding some major concerns about the other throughout our relationship, so each had a second, secret narrative that wasn’t being discussed or challenged in couples counseling. Plus we both have CPTSD from shitty childhoods and have cross-reactive behavior. Lots of angst here.

This stuff can sneak up on you if you don’t have healthy habits that help identify and prevent it, but it’s clear as day once you learn. We’re getting there and we’ll be better people for it, but it’s brutal sometimes and we’re just at the beginning.

I highly recommend solving the important ones and learning to let the rest go, speaking as someone whose marriage just exploded over exactly that.